


For Where the Heart is Hidden, Shirasagi

by fallouise



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Body Horror, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Unreliable Narration, Youkai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 03:03:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20520896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallouise/pseuds/fallouise
Summary: "Her schedules wouldn’t disappear. Her appointments were still waiting on her. She had a reputation at school, at work, and as an idol. People expected things from Chisato Shirasagi, and more than just meet those expectations, she would exceed them. There was never time for her tonotbe Chisato Shirasagi."When Chisato Shirasagi transforms into a monster in front of Kaoru, she is forced to confront parts of herself that should've never seen the light of day again. Childhood memories she'd long since forgotten are resurfacing. Through it all, Kaoru doesn't make it any easier, nothing more than a constant reminder of the Chisato she once was, and the Chisato Shirasagi she now must be.She may find the root cause of her transformations if she continues to tread this path. But what will she find when she does?





	For Where the Heart is Hidden, Shirasagi

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying something different this time around. This story touches on childhood trauma more in the following chapters, and the body horror ties directly into that. Other than that, I'll let the story speak for itself.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

Chisato knew it would happen before it did.

The first sign was her body reacting physically, becoming warm, then sweltering, like a fever fighting off a virus in her blood. The throbbing headache followed. A low buzz hummed in her ear, growing in volume until it drowned everything else out, further worsening the pulsing in her head. The most Chisato could do was grit her teeth and shut her eyes closed.

If only the condition were as clinical as her symptoms. If that were the case, then perhaps Chisato would’ve submitted herself into a hospital. Medicalization, prescriptions, there was at least treatments. Solutions.

Instead, her last thoughts were of swearing, because _damn _it all, of course she happened to be with Kaoru at the time.

And then Chisato Shirasagi was gone.

It was not a physical disappearance. Her body was still there, in her cleanly pressed Hanasakigawa uniform and instrument case slung over her shoulder. In appearance, the Chisato Shirasagi that everyone knew was still there. She was walking home after band practice. Kaoru’s band finished practice before hers had, and her childhood friend volunteered to wait for her. The last remnants of the sun were slipping under the horizon, with the night sky greeting the two as they left the studio. And it was normal. It was supposed to be _normal_.

Now her body was kneeling low on the sidewalk, crouched over with her instrument strewn to the side. Kaoru was immediately beside her. The girl was shaking her by the shoulder.

Her memories were vague, disconnected fragments after that. They always were. Most times Chisato could sense when it would happen. It was easy to take the right precautions to hide behind locked doors and away from listening ears when not many dared questioned Chisato Shirasagi’s requests. There were whispers among staff, but so long as there weren’t witnesses and she finished her job, Chisato couldn’t care less about rumors.

It was for the better, in any case. She knew the truth. She knew no one else could learn of it. The one time she managed to lock herself in her room, Chisato propped up her phone to record just as it happened.

What Chisato saw next confirmed her suspicions.

Her body collapsed onto the floor. Had it not been for the unintelligible words muttering from her lips, Chisato would’ve thought that she was unconscious. She hadn’t fainted, yet she wasn’t awake either. In the recording, her body curled up. She had her back towards the camera.

Then, suddenly and violently, limbs twisted in ways that should’ve broken them. A guttural noise escaped from her as an arm struck out and her fingers formed a claw. At a flick of the wrist, her hand snapped into place. Yet where a girl’s hand was supposed to be was a repulsive appendage. The joints weren’t where they should be, bunching together at awkward angles as bumps in the skin, in ways that they could no longer be considered connected to the elongating fingers. The skin on her arms discolored to an angry dark brown, as if she were boiling up from within.

Perhaps it happened too quickly for the camera to capture it, or perhaps there was an unexplained force at work, but it wasn’t so much a beastly metamorphosis as it was Chisato Shirasagi disappearing. A young girl flickered into nonexistence one moment. In the same moment, a misshapen creature replaced her. The body hunched over. It arched outward, bones cracking as if the thing itself didn’t know how to move.

Like a wounded animal getting up, the arms slammed onto the floor, pushing the torso up with great effort. Growling and hissing, the trembling body managed to get on all fours. And then, the head jerked towards the camera.

The recording cut; she deleted the file soon after. She felt human. She didn’t want to believe, and yet she knew it to be the truth. She had transformed. It was enough for her to know it was wrong, it was enough for her to get angry, to curse every deity and god that might be interfering with her life. Her body had transformed into a monstrosity. But it wasn’t becoming a monster that she hated. It was the loss of control.

The disjointed memories that remained with her after each transformation were vague. Unfocused and desperate, like a trapped animal. She’d remember scanning the room, pressing her back against the wall.

Fear. Fear. Panic. Madness, like no other.

Fear so thick it strangled her neck and she had to do anything to escape it but there was never anything or anyone to help her. Don’t look don’t look don’t find.

And each time, without warning, Chisato Shirasagi would wake.

“C-Chii-chan?”

Chisato found herself against the stone wall that lined the sidewalk. No headache, no buzzing in her ears—she was human again. Yet she wasn’t alone. After forcing herself to take a deep breath, Chisato raised her gaze to size up how the other girl was doing.

Despite the growth spurt the girl had undergone, Kaoru shrunk into herself rather well, making herself look much more helpless as her lip trembled. Her cheeks were tear-stained, and she sniffled, squeezing her eyes shut as if that was enough to ignore what was right in front of her. Chisato found herself facepalming. The slightest breeze would have been enough to scare Kaoru off. The girl had every chance to run away.

Knowing that Kaoru wouldn’t be the first to speak up, Chisato got to her feet. Her instrument case and school bag were a little further up the sidewalk. “Why are you still here?”

“Is… is it really you?” Kaoru asked in a garbled voice, eyes flying open and soon scrambling to match her pace.

Instrument case over one shoulder, school bag in hand. Good. Blonde hair and Hanasakigawa uniform. Alright. Then it was time for the damage control. Chisato slid a hand into the front pocket of her bag, thrusting the handkerchief she pulled out towards Kaoru. Kaoru accepted it, staring at the cloth like it was a foreign object. “It’s not as if that thing can actually speak. It’s me,” she spoke in a clipped tone, pinching the bridge of her nose with a sigh. “You’re going to clean your face with this, alright? Then you’re going to listen to me.”

“Oh, haha. Ha. You’re—you’re right,” Kaoru responded like she was snapped out of a daze, bringing the handkerchief to her nose. Perhaps she was in shock. “I couldn’t let any of my little kittens see me in such a state, now can I?”

Of _all _people to see her… “If you can joke like that, then I don’t have anything to worry about,” she grimaced. Giving Kaoru a moment to compose herself, Chisato sent a withering glare towards the girl. “Here is what is going to happen. You will _not _speak to anyone about this. When we go our separate ways, you are to never approach me about this again. In fact, it’d be in both of our best interests if the day came that you forget about it happening in the first place.”

“Are you saying,” Kaoru’s sniffling voice asked behind the handkerchief. She looked about ready to burst into tears again. “that you’re going to ignore what just happened?”

“Ignoring ‘what just happened’ has been doing well for me so far. Today was a mistake on my part. A mistake I’ll make sure won’t happen again,” she began walking again.

“You know I’m not good at these things!” The girl persisted in following. “Whatever that was, whatever it wants—it won’t go away, will it? Those eyes…”

So, Kaoru saw its face.

The one part that Chisato herself had never seen. It wasn’t enough to convince Chisato, but she wasn’t heartless. She knew what kind of abomination overtook her body. She’d also known Kaoru for years. The frightened young girl that cowered behind others was the same girl that had witnessed Chisato become a monster.

“Kaoru,” Chisato could spare a moment. A single moment, and then she would leave. Whether or not Kaoru agreed to it, things would return to as they were before this. She paused, staring down at her shoes. The deleted recording flitted across her mind. Images of grotesque hands and discolored skin surfaced, and Chisato’s vision blurred from unshed tears until she couldn’t tell if she was human or monster anymore.

“Yes?”

Chisato looked to the sky, forcing herself not to cry.

When Kaoru’s footsteps stopped as well, she continued, “It’s the same as when we were kids, okay? I’m protecting you from the things that scare you. You don’t have to think about it anymore.”

“Isn’t this different? Aren’t we talking about _you_?”

The twinge in her heart resonated throughout her entire body.

“Goodbye, Kaoru.”

…

Chisato should have foreseen this.

Kaoru Seta was not the kind of person to listen to reason when she disagreed with it. She was the exact opposite, painting a different reality with flowery language and claiming that her actions were for the greater good. Amid her grand gestures and hollow words, Kaoru deceived herself. And when the liar believed her own lies, it was easy for others to see it as the truth. It would explain why so many people were attracted to Kaoru’s presence.

Even now, Kaoru stood at the entrance gate of Hanasakigawa. The last class period had only just wrapped up, and there was no quick or easy way for her to get from Haneoka. Had she skipped class? Was _the _Kaoru Seta hoping to intercept a girl on her way home? The lingering crowd’s whispers expected as much.

“This is the third time this week,” Kanon murmured at Chisato’s side, waving a meek hand towards Kaoru. When Kaoru saw the two of them, she bowed low, arms spread out in invitation. A collective swoon of sighs spread across the courtyard. “Do you think you can hear her out, Chisato-chan? It looks like she really wants to talk to you.”

She couldn’t bring herself to say no when faced with Kanon’s kindheartedness. More than anyone, Chisato knew that her gentleness was genuine. And though she couldn’t understand how Kanon could stand to be in the same band as Kaoru, it proved further of the compassion that the girl so willingly held for everyone.

It was for Kanon, and for Kanon alone, that Chisato would even consider talking to Kaoru about the other night.

Underlying her soft spot for Kanon, however, Chisato was angry. Was that all it took for Chisato to bend? For Kaoru to get her way by visiting her school for a few days, trapping her into a public agreement? She had an image to uphold at school, and without context, Kanon would sympathize with Kaoru’s efforts. Whether it was intentional on Kaoru’s end or not, she was treading on Chisato’s personal business. It made her instincts rear on its hind legs, and she felt like fighting back.

No. She couldn’t. Transforming in front of Kaoru cut it close enough.

This was for Kanon, and nothing else.

“You’re right,” Chisato admitted. “It can’t keep going on like this, can it?”

A relieved smile spread across Kanon’s face. “It can, but Kaoru-san’s going to get in trouble for skipping class eventually.”

They approached Kaoru, whose face was growing pale and starting to sweat as Chisato neared. Kaoru started frequenting Hanasakigawa not even a few days after she transformed in front of her, and by the looks of it, she hadn’t gotten much sleep since then. The concealer was a dead giveaway. More cracks in Kaoru’s image revealed themselves as they neared her. Her uniform was a few degrees more unkempt than her usual appearance. Kaoru glanced over shoulder, once and then again, and Chisato wondered why none of her fans questioned the horrible state that she was in.

The eyes of Hanasakigawa students followed their every move.

They would not have their conversation here, or anywhere with potential eavesdroppers.

“Kaoru, we can talk later,” Chisato greeted her without preamble. Fighting against the scowl on her lips, she regarded Kaoru with a forced smile. “but not here. I promise.”

“Of course! Whatever you say, Chii-cha—Chisato! Yes, Chisato,” Kaoru coughed into a fist. “Perhaps I can walk you home? We can discuss a proper time and such.”

“That’s not necessary,” she raised a hand to stop the girl.

“Are you sure?” More than anything, it seemed like Kaoru was pleading to come with her.

What an idiot.

She _told _her that it would be best if she forgot.

“I’m sure of it. In fact, why don’t you make sure Kanon doesn’t get lost on her way home? I’ll text you about when we can talk,” Chisato dropped her hand and smiled at Kanon. If Kaoru was going to exploit the situation, then she would too.

“Eh? She doesn’t have to…” Kanon’s sentence faltered into an awkward chuckle. Even if she didn’t know the details, it wasn’t hard to sense the unspoken conversation taking place.

“She can. I just remembered I had something to do today,” Chisato ended the conversation without so much as another glance in Kaoru’s direction.

With a turn on her heel, she walked down the path that opposite of Kanon’s home.

What had overcome her?

It wasn’t like her to overlook these things or act so brazen. Though the more she thought about it, the more Chisato was convinced that she’d simply forgotten in the heat of the moment. It was like she was behind an opaque glass wall, trying to parse out the finer details of her memory. If she pressed her hands against the glass and peered as close as she could, Chisato _swore _that there was something concrete, a reminder that would burst forth the rest of her memories. She just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

It was unsurprising to Chisato that getting angry at Kaoru led to this lapse in judgement. It was always that girl’s fault, making her lose sight of her path. The anger wasn’t conducive. Thinking about the other girl wasn’t useful in any way. It wasn’t worth remembering the haunted look in her eyes, or how desperate she wanted to talk, or the way her voice trembled.

Chisato sucked in her breath.

She was meeting someone today, wasn’t that it? Yes. Of course.

The streets seemed to enlarge as she rounded a corner. The sidewalk increased in width, as if it were transforming before her very eyes, and streets were longer than she remembered.

The world around her became bigger and grander, in the same way that it grew familiar and reminiscent. It was the same route, with the cracks in the concrete right where she knew to jump over, and the same destination, so accustomed was she that she could count the steps before she was there.

Falling into long lost habits, Chisato could almost forget that she had no control over her body, whether it was becoming a monster or at the whims of her acting career.

When she reached the final block, she felt like skipping, the worries that were just plaguing her already a distant memory. As if something compelled her, Chisato hurried. She was going to be late, and she had to see the person today. Excitement overcame her. It was strange, how giddy and excited and completely calm she could be at the same time. It was like she was remembering how to breathe.

When was the last time she felt like this? It must’ve been years. Winding through memories, it would have been back when…

Chisato found herself at a playground.

A young girl sat alone in the sandbox.

Stirred by a silent call, the girl stood up, shaking the sand off her shoes and patting down her skirt. After making her way to the shrubs on the side, she squatted to inspect a bush. Her purple hair was tied up into a ponytail, and she seemed so, so terribly small. The girl couldn’t be older than elementary school.

“Chii-chan, come here!”

Her body reacted on instinct. She bounded forward and was soon squatting beside the girl, who angled her head to grin at her. It was those eyes, her crimson eyes, that Chisato was so familiar with. And she would do anything if it meant this girl watched her and her alone.

“Look at that thing, not me,” the girl covered her face with her hands. Her ears were red from embarrassment, though all it accomplished was make Chisato feel warm inside.

“I like you more than whatever is…”

Chisato’s sentence stilled into silence as she followed the girl’s directions.

It must have been a reptile when it was alive. If it was a lizard, then it was much denser than what she knew of them. Yet it had no legs, leading Chisato to think it was some snake, or a different creature altogether. Could they have found a tsuchinoko? What were two children supposed to do with a decaying corpse?

Her eyes traced the body of the creature. Though most of its skin was still intact, its scales were flaking off, and if it weren’t for the skeleton protruding from its sunken skin, she was convinced it would jump at them in retaliation. The only part that had truly deteriorated was the head, leaving behind its skull. It was the height of summer and a shiver ran up her spine. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from the skull.

In the place of the eyes was an empty space, a blackness that tantalized them to look closer and yet frightened her at the prospect. The skeleton was a milky white. The paralyzing thought that they were meant to see this corpse came to her, and suddenly Chisato wanted to get away, to be as far away as possible. Her gaze drew its open maw. It was lined with fangs, small yet sharpened and at an angle.

The longer she stared, the more her attention narrowed in on it, until imperceptibly, the reptile’s mouth started to open.

“Kao-chan, we have to go,” Chisato stepped backwards.

She’d walked away from a teenaged Kaoru not too long ago. That meant that this was a dream. It had to be a dream, and this was fake, and soon she would wake and laugh her stress away. Yet Chisato still feared for her life. It was as if she was a child again, unable to do anything because she didn’t know any better. The beating of her heart, the adrenaline and the nervous sweat, it all felt too real. None of her dreams felt this real.

Her eyes couldn’t look away from the fangs. She’d always been good at tuning out the noise of summer cicadas, but the buzzing intensified into a deafening roar, like the insects wanted to overwhelm her. Even as she stepped farther away from the corpse, it was as if the very image of it was burned into her mind. The fangs, the empty eye sockets, the opening maw—had the reptile come alive, if it scrambled so vividly in her mind?

“Kao-chan?” Chisato swung her arm behind her, hoping to clasp onto her dearest friend. Empty. Kaoru wasn’t with her. Wasn’t it just like Kaoru to run at the first sign of danger? Or did she get it wrong? She’d been the one to tell Kaoru to walk Kanon home. Whether it was out of fear or because Chisato pushed her away, the girl wouldn’t be here.

She wasn’t allowed to turn away. If she did, her back would be exposed, and her gut told her that she’d rather die head-on than allow herself to be that vulnerable.

Despite the front she put up, Chisato didn’t want to die.

She didn’t understand what was happening. The cicadas were too loud. An entire storm of cicadas must’ve collected at the park. If that were possible, then it wasn’t so farfetched that a reptile corpse could become reanimated, ready to crawl out of the bush. She couldn’t escape the opening jaw, as if the corpse had wanted to speak to her. It made Chisato want to run away crying, but it froze her in place, like she’d lost control of her own body. It wasn’t her body anymore. She didn’t understand. She didn’t know what to do.

She didn’t want to be alone. The only other witness was Kaoru, and she yearned for someone, anyone to understand. No. It had to be Kaoru. She wanted her oldest, dearest friend to be with her. Chisato felt an aching, searing pain in her heart, and she doubled over, coughing.

When the cicada buzzing came to a peak, Chisato shut her eyes closed.

…

Desperate knocking slammed, hammered, and pounded. A dog barked. The noise filled her apartment with frantic energy, as if to search for a girl through volume alone. It homed in on Chisato Shirasagi. It found her body pressed into a corner. It found Chisato gasping for breath, sweating profusely, a hand clenched over her face to remind herself that she was human. The bedroom was in complete disarray. Her bedding was hurled across the floor and the bedside lamp was tossed aside.

Leon continued to bark outside of her closed bedroom door.

The knocking was incessant. It wasn’t going to end unless she got up.

This was the worst part of her predicament. No matter what emotional distress transforming put her through, no matter how much she feared being found out, Chisato had to bear it. Her schedules wouldn’t disappear. Her appointments were still waiting on her. She had a reputation at school, at work, and as an idol. People expected things from Chisato Shirasagi, and more than just meet those expectations, she would exceed them. There was never time for her to _not _be Chisato Shirasagi.

She staggered onto her feet. She wasn’t in her uniform, which meant that she transformed after coming home from school. Taking a moment to compose herself, she unlocked her bedroom door. Immediately Leon thrusted his way into the room, pushing his snout into Chisato’s palm and threading her fingers through his golden fur for her. The golden retriever sniffed her, encircling her, as if checking for injuries.

“It’s okay, Leon,” Chisato whispered when the dog whimpered. “It’s okay now.”

As expected, the living room and kitchen were empty. Her mom wouldn’t be home until much later in the night. Chisato looked at the wall clock. Nine-thirty.

By now the knocking had slowed, though she assumed that the visitor was still at her doorstep. What was once frantic knocking was reduced to a defeated thud every so often. Chisato imagined what she would say to Kaoru, and found that more than chastising or provoking, she had no words to say at all.

The night wasn’t over, and it already felt too long.

Chisato already met Kaoru again and again today. It felt too real and at once an illusion. And now, she couldn’t differentiate what was memory or dream anymore. They may have once seen a dead reptile at the park, or perhaps Kaoru never frequented her school to force her into talking, and maybe neither or both happened in the first place. Leon pressed himself against her leg as she neared the front door.

She opened the door to find Kaoru leaning against the doorframe. She had noticeable eyebags, and not even the easily frightened Kaoru seemed to flinch as Chisato looked her up and down. It surprised Chisato that Kaoru didn’t have anything to say. She wondered if Kaoru shared the same heavy, oppressive exhaustion that she felt.

“Can I come in?” Kaoru asked.

It felt like a sign. It felt foreboding, that she was just desperate and out of choices. And yet, Chisato didn’t want to decline.

Taking her silence as hesitation, Kaoru deflated in front of her. It didn’t look right on the girl. Kaoru should take up space. She should demand attention and flourish under it, leading her audience into a fairytale, at least for a moment. Kaoru Seta may be easily frightened, but she was not one to demean herself. “Chisato, I know this is selfish on my part, but what I saw that night—whatever, whoever it is—it scared me. I never knew fear could feel like that. And you know me well… I’m used to being scared. I’m still—I’m _terrified_ now. But it scares me even more imagining you going through all of this. Alone.”

Kaoru raised a shaky hand. It was her phone. “And when a damsel in distress doesn’t answer,” she made a pathetic attempt at sounding chivalrous for someone who sounded a moment away from fainting. “their knight in shining armor must come to the rescue, isn’t that right?”

Chisato stayed quiet as Kaoru folded before her.

She didn’t say anything as Leon pawed closer to Kaoru, inquiring at her outstretched hand. It was when Kaoru lowered her hand, maintaining eye-contact with her, that Chisato realized she made her decision a lifetime ago, when they were children and she feared a reptile skull. It was more than someone knowing what she was going through; she wanted someone who knew her.

“I’ve been unfair to you too,” Chisato relinquished. She smiled, a bittersweet one as she looked at what her actions had done to Kaoru. “I can’t expect you to just forget seeing your childhood friend become a monster in front of you. Forcing you into that was… wrong of me, to put it lightly.”

“You’ve always played hard to get,” Kaoru laughed. It was a forced laugh, barely enough to be considered one, though it didn’t stop Kaoru from closing the front door behind her and throwing her arms around Chisato’s shoulders.

“And that’s never stopped you,” Chisato murmured, not resisting as Kaoru leaned onto her.

If it was just a hug, Chisato may have reciprocated. But Kaoru wasn’t pulling away, and she was in fact drawing Chisato closer, until the embrace caught them off-balance and they were falling over. She reacted just in time for her palms to catch their fall. Pain shot up her arms, and she winced. The pain stung. Her eyes watered up.

Through it all, Kaoru held onto Chisato. The girl lay atop of her, hands clutching at her back and cheek pressed against her chest. Against her reservations, Chisato sighed. She let herself sink to the floor until the back of her head felt the cold surface. Her hands wandered onto Kaoru, circling between the shoulder blades. She stared up at the ceiling as she wondered what tomorrow would bring.

Chisato heard Leon shuffle around them. He circled around them twice, before curling up at her side and resting her muzzle on her shoulder. How silly she must look, to lay on the floor with her childhood friend atop of her and her dog at her side.

But to not feel haunted for a single moment…

That was all she needed for now.


End file.
